A bit of whimsy....

Now we're somewhat experienced in the art of building a house, a few pieces of advice to any budding self builder :

• However big your wallet, you’ll need a bigger one
• Planning officers are rigid about rules, but each planner interprets them differently
• “Planning officer” and “logic” cannot be used in the same sentence
• "Planning officer" and "common sense" cannot be used in the same sentence
• The most secure site will be broken into and stuff stolen
• Your insurance company will find a way to avoid paying out against any claim
• If you’ve got the best top soil in the area, your builder will still, magically, find a way to make it vanish under sub soil and rubble
• A builder can turn a dry, arid, wasteland of a garden into a quagmire within days
• Don’t expect service from the people that provide the main services
• Your architect will find a way to justify giving you a bill you weren’t expecting
• There are special “trade” prices for self builders – they’re called retail plus
• New builds are zero rated for VAT. You can claim VAT back after the house is finished when you really needed the money to help finish the house
• A tidy roofer is one who throws broken tiles in your garden rather than your neighbour’s garden
• A tidy builder is one who clears up when he can’t get into the room he wants to work in
• A clean builder is one who has only 2 kilos of mud on each of his boots
• All building material will be stored in the most vulnerable place and be damaged before use
• Everything will be over-ordered but your builder will kindly offer to take the surplus “off your hands” at 20% of the buy price
• You will be expected to make instant decisions on very important matters
• By attempting to be “Green” and help save the planet, you will be a pauper for the rest of your life
• All electricians must have one leg shorter that the other as they cannot fit a truly level socket or light switch
• All plumbers are virtual – they don’t really exist at all (we've never seen ours but pipes appear as if by magic)
• Painters can work through high wind and torrential rain, as well as in very dusty conditions, and still get a better finish than you
• Most suppliers will treat a self-builder as a moron, at least I assume that’s why they grunt at you
• Plant hire companies are more despised than estate agents and bankers
• Promises of deliveries on specific dates should be treated with more scepticism than Tony Blair's assertion that Saddam Hussain had weapons of mass destruction
• You are deemed too stupid to understand a detailed bill
• A builder's toilet is more deadly than anthrax!

Jan & Rog